Ever
feel that just being you is not enough, envying what other people? Having one
of those moments where the neighbor’s grass is always greener than yours?
So,
when is it enough to just being you?
I’ve
always been captivated by the knowledge that my co-workers have. It really
irritates me not being at the same level as they are, or at least what I view
as the knowledge that they have. It aggravates me for not having at the same skill
depth as my co workers on some subjects.
I’ve
also been so envious to some of my friends who seemed to have everything
together. They have families of their own, husband, wife, children, girlfriend,
boyfriend, best friend, and so on. It seemed that when I was being envious, I
only notice the better part of every person. That’s when I questioned my
existence and my purpose to my creator. “Why is it only me? Why does it
only happen to me? Why me? What is it that I don’t have? What is so wrong
with me?” Sounds familiar?
There’s
always that constant battle to be better, constant desires to top it all of and
to have everything. Is it motivation? Is it a goal? Is it just to feed my ego,
greed?
A
friend of mine said “You will never win a battle against yourself, cause
you will always find a way to defeat yourself”. Quite an interesting
comment isn’t it. And I think she was right. Day in day out, I find
myself creating a perfect illusion that I believed dearly as my ultimate goal that
I fight so hard for, but in the end, all that’s left was the only thing I
started with, just an illusion. There seemed to be a thin line between having motivation,
chasing goals and being lost in envy and admiration, and most of the time that
line blurs and can’t be seen anymore. That’s when being just me is
no longer enough, I think. Cause then the goal no longer exists in reality, or
at least I can’t distinguish which one is real, which one is not, and I’ll
be running forever chasing nothing more but an illusions. Call it motivation,
hard work toward a goal, but in all honesty it should only be called pure
stupidity and stubbornness. It’s when my heart closes down, build a wall
in between and see only to one direction.
If
I were to separate myself into three separate entities, one that has the
desire, one that does the work and one that just observe, I think I need to be
the observer for a while. Maybe then I will realize how unforgiving I am to
myself. Maybe then I will realize how hard I’ve pushed myself to the
edge, chasing nothing more but a mere illusion. Perhaps then, I will realize
how ridiculously cruel I am to myself while blinded by envy and desires. Some
people said that I am hard working and never giving up. Maybe they’re
right, but what they may not know, sometimes my goals are all twisted and
I’m getting confused on which one can be achieved and which one needs to
be let go.
I
don’t let things go, even when I know it’s not the best to do.
Mostly it’s because I feel as if I lost to something that I started, and don’t
want to be beaten even when it’s by myself, I don’t want to give
things up. But what I didn’t realize was I may have put a stake in the
wrong side in the first place. It doesn’t make any sense, does it? I
don’t quite understand it myself. I don’t know why I get so
irritated feeling that I got beaten by no other than myself, by my own
limitation. These are the times where friends would pull me and redirect me to
the right direction.
Over
the years, despite all of that, someone has always been there pulling me out of
this mess, redirecting my path, slowly routing my ways back to where they
supposed to be. My best friend has always been holding my hand when I was lost and
gives me a bit more strength so I can move on. Those were always the times when
I remember how to accept me the way I am. So when it’s not enough to just
being me, I borrow some strength from my friends, ask some companies and guidance
to bring me back to where I should be.
But
lately, I have been lost once again, and this time my best friend won’t
be able to help. For the first time in my life, I feel so strongly about something
and I know that being just me is not enough for it. I am trying to beat my own
destiny even though everything in me knows that it’s not possible, and
for the first time in my life, I am continuously loosing. This is the biggest
desire that I have ever had, and it will take more than me to beat it. I want
to learn how to cross that border, where I can finally let it go, then perhaps
I will return stronger than ever and perhaps I would have beaten myself for the
better then, and claim my dream as my present ….
Sadly …. I already know that’s not possible ………
